In the spirit of Rob Brotherton’s five-star book Suspicious Minds, reviewed this issue, we asked you to get your subversive thinking cap on and invent your very own conspiracy theory. Three copies of the book were up for grabs for the best new conspiracy theories – all you had to do was come up with a theory that had the potential to convince a gullible person. Extra bonus points were awarded for being witty and making us laugh.
Judging by the entries that came in to our mailbag, it is obvious that there are some truly suspicious minds out there. Proposed conspiracy theories ranged from the sinister (such as flu jabs that kill the elderly to save healthcare costs) to the absurd (Father’s Day being a clandestine plot to emasculate men by eating chocolate.). The Bermuda Triangle, astrology and loyalty cards also all made their customary appearances. But alas, there have to be winners.
Runners up prizes go to Isobel Steer and Sean Mills, who each get a copy of the book. Isobel told us of a secret plot by an agricultural conglomerate (whose name rhymes with Nonsanto) to gain a monopoly on human fertility by flooding the market with genetically modified ‘locust seeds’. Sean made the stunning revelation that spectacles do not actually improve vision but are cunningly crafted filters devised to control our impulses – making us eat far too many potato chips.
The standout conspiracy theory came from Phil Boothroyd, who explained that pot plants are not as innocuous as they first seem. Congratulations on having the most creatively scheming mind in the world of Guru readers. We will never look at a Yucca in the same way again:
Enjoy gardening? Like to have a few flowers in your house to brighten the place up? If the answer to either of those is yes, you are probably under the control of the ‘Bloominati’ – a group of highly intelligent psychic plants bent on nothing less than global domination.
On the face of it this may seem implausible, but think it through. While there is immense benefit to growing some fruit and veg and getting some tasty food for your efforts, what is the benefit to growing flowers? Absolutely nothing beyond a bit of colour. And even then only for short periods of the year. A longer lasting splash of colour could be created much more easily with a few pots of paint and an over enthusiastic toddler.
Which leaves only on explanation: we grow plants because they are controlling us, making us their slaves. We plant them, feed them and give them homes to live in. Think you bought that lovely house for yourself? No. You bought because of the psychic nudging of the flowers around you. That innocent looking Anthurium sat on your dining room table – it’s making you go to work to pay for its upkeep. It’s making you decorate the room so it has somewhere nice to sit. It makes you want to look after it. And at the weekend, when you should be resting, it compels you out into the garden to care for its Bloominati associates outdoors.
If you don’t believe me try throwing that potted plant on your desk away. Just try it. You will feel an aversion to it, a sense that what I’m asking you to do is ‘just plain stupid’. You will even get a desire to ignore my ‘ridiculous suggestion’. Those are not natural thoughts and feelings. They are the persuasive powers of the Bloominati.
Congratulations to our three winners – the book is making its way to you via a Guru drone right now.
You can read Isobel and Sean’s conspiracy theories online here.